Two Crutches, Three Chords
From A&E to MP3
Back in the spring of 2010, I was coaching my son’s football team. One Saturday morning, during a training session, I somehow tore something in my knee. Straight to A&E, where I was awarded a fine pair of crutches. A week later, my calf ballooned to the size of a punk’s ego — back to A&E. Diagnosis? Blood clot. No more hopping around. Leg up. Literally.
Just like that — no more football, no more running, and no more doing much of anything.
But I’ve never been one to sit still for long. With my leg elevated and my patience evaporating, I dusted off my guitar. I hadn’t touched it since my teenage years in Esprit de Corpse — our gloriously shambolic post-punk band that used my parents’ lounge as a studio. We recorded straight onto a TDK cassette via my dad’s stereo. Lo-fi before lo-fi was a thing.
Relearning to play was like catching up with an old mate — awkward at first, but weirdly natural. I say “play”… it was more of a distorted racket. But it was my racket. Before long, I was writing new songs. Instrumentals, mind you — I wouldn’t trust myself with vocals, and neither should you.
Next, I got myself a band. Well… not a band exactly. A G-DEC practice amp. But it made the right sort of noise. I even upgraded my guitar to a Squier Fender Stratocaster. Why? Because I wanted to look like Joe Strummer, obviously.
Unlike the tape-deck days of yore, we were now in the digital age. I started wondering: how hard could it be to release music properly these days? Turns out, not very. Before long, my debut EP Tales of a Subconscious was live on Spotify, iTunes, Amazon, and even a few places I’d never heard of.
I named the project Unspeakable! — partly because the tracks were all instrumentals, and partly because I’ve always loved that song by Killing Joke. Every time I saw them live and they played Unspeakable, I pretended it was a sly nod just for me. Still do.
I don’t know if I was more proud of the music or the free beer loop I accidentally created. Using my own songs to fund my lager habit felt like peak punk ingenuity. Here’s how it went down.
EP No.2, Behind The Darkened Door, followed in 2011. I wrapped up the trilogy in 2012 with End of Days, just in time for the apocalypse… it never arrived — but by then, my leg was better and I was knee-deep into my next daft project.
Discography
Tales of A Subconscious
Released December 2010 on Ultimate Records ULT-001
1. The Awakening (2:45)
2. Infinite Storm (4:05)
3. Irrecoverable Passing of Time (3:17)
4. Hundred Day Invasion (4:07)
Behind the Darkened Door
Released June 2011 on Ultimate Records ULT-002
1. Behind The Darkened Door (4:07)
2. Nightmare Continuum (2:16)
3. The Inner Sanctum (2:36)
4. Theory of Evilution (3:34)
Prophesied End of Time
Released April 2012 on Ultimate Records ULT-003
1. Last Days on Earth (4:16)
2. Seismic Activity (4:14)
3. White Planet (4:53)
4. Existence Will Continue (4:38)
What the Fans (and Russian Goths) Said
These gems came from people who stumbled across Unspeakable! online, cranked it up, and felt something — dread, euphoria, confusion, maybe even admiration. One or two even thought I was Glenn Danzig. I didn’t correct them.
| “I play Unspeakable! every time I dye my hair black. Which is weekly. He is prophet.” – Mira Mortis, Russian goth queen, Novosibirsk | “It’s like the soundtrack to a film where no one survives… but they all look amazing doing it.” – Masha Nocturne, vape enthusiast and part-time banshee |
| “I thought it was Danzig. I cried for three days when I found out it wasn’t. Then I listened again. Still cried.” – Ivan B. Alone, somewhere between Kaliningrad and a candlelit basement | “Unspeakable! changed my life. Then ended it. Then resurrected it with distortion and a slow fade-out.“ – Anonymous comment, last seen in a shadowy thread on a forgotten forum |
| “This music makes me want to walk into the sea, but like… in a cool way.” – Viktor Sorrow, part-time poet, full-time sadboy | “Unspeakable! is the new Danzig. Just taller. And less likely to punch you.” – Internet Stranger, possibly drunk, definitely right |
What the Music Press Didn’t Say (But Should Have)
These critical takes come from the outer fringes of the underground — zines, blogs, and voices in the static. Some of them might have been scribbled on a napkin in a pub. Some might be completely fabricated. But they all understand one thing: Unspeakable! was never meant to be mainstream. It was meant to echo.
| “If Ennio Morricone had joined Killing Joke during a blackout and been haunted by his own delay pedal, it might’ve sounded like this.” – The Tinnitus Review | “If doom had a sense of humour, it would make this kind of music. Dense, cinematic, and surprisingly catchy for something that sounds like the end of days.” – Obscure Sound Inferno |
| “Unspeakable! sounds like a lost Peel Session broadcast through a dying radio in an abandoned Soviet bunker. And we mean that as a compliment.” – Static & Feedback Quarterly | “This is music for the apocalypse… but like, a stylish apocalypse. The kind with eyeliner.” – Pitchblur |
| “The most important one-man post-post-punk instrumental project since that bloke in Leeds with a Casio and a grudge.” – Echo & No Clout | “A trilogy that charts the journey from vague unease to full existential dread, with tasteful reverb throughout.” – Uncut Corners Magazine |
What Happened Next?
Well the world didn’t end, obviously, but more newsworthy, years after Unspeakable!’s amp and guitar were consigned to the loft, my son — armed with college-level production skills and a healthy disrespect for silence — ripped into the old demos. As a Father’s Day gift, he thrashed eight of the tracks into a new shape and called the album Torment. It was meant to be ten, but the last two got lost somewhere between caffeine crashes and short attention spans. Torment never saw the light of day, never got pressed, streamed, or spat out into the world — until now…
Dave The Punk 